Jesse Jackson Doubles as a Veterinarian

After neutering many pets in Washington, D.C.,
Rev. Jesse Jackson Unveils New Organization

On none other than the admirable FOX News, Rev. Jackson went on the record to state that he has in fact created a pro bono organization along with Edward Scissorhands called The Cut Coalition.

"We cut ding-a-lings and many other things so that your puppy Buttercup don't get knocked up," said Jackson, amidst a series of hand gestures.

This announcement came just before Jackson declared that he would, in fact, neuter Presidential Candidate Barack Obama.

"I just want to cut his nuts off," said Jackson, while using his hands as make-believe scissors.

Sources close to Jackson state that Obama would not be the first politician the Cut Coalition CEO (Chief Erection Obliterator) offered his services to.

"I offered to handle McCain's train, Hillary's artillery, Reid's barbels and Gore's meat marbles," said a poetic Jackson.

Scissorhands had no comment; however, when asked about his role in the organization, he went over to a large potted plant and cut out the logo for the popular show "Nip/Tuck."

For more information on The Cut Coalition, visit www.GoingGoingGoneNuts.org

Obama Heavily Favored by Left-Handers, Lactose Intolerant

The results are finally in: Barack Obama fares well in the lactose intolerant demographic.

CNN, FOX News, and Lifetime all reported this ever-important information in the wee hours this morning between episodes of Anderson Cooper: Afterhours, The O'Reilly Factor, and the shocking conclusion to "Woman Gets Hit By Space Trash and Seeks Revenge."

A sleepy Senator Obama responded to this startling information in a 3 a.m. phone call Wolf Blitzer by stating, "I think it's clear that the American people are tired of cheese."

Senator Obama won the lactose intolerant vote by a landslide in Indiana and North Carolina, defeating Hillary by a whopping 95%.

Other demographics in which Senator Obama is heavily favored include red-headed stepchildren, the quadriplegic, FONZ members, and ventriloquists. Pollsters and pundits are also predicting that Senator Obama will beat Senator Clinton among south paw voters in West Virginia.

While Obama is expected to fare well among the aforementioned groups, Clinton is expected to do well among two demographics in particular: bitter, old spinsters, and bra-burners.

Getting in on the voter demographic breakdown, Senator McCain was found to be successful in the deceased population. Self-appointed representative of the deceased Dick Clark stated that only Senator McCain understands the trials and tribulations of the deceased. Mortician James Van Dingle says that a lot of the survivors at Charleston's Toe Tags Unlimited claim that their loved ones professed their love for McCain before their passing. One such survivor recalls a conversation with his 107-year old great-grandmother Edna just before her passing.

"Granny E told me that she loved John McCain because she remembered her older sister dating him in college, and he seemed like such a gentleman," said Johnny Law. "Then, she blew her nose with her nightgown and declared herself the Queen of Scots." Law began to cry, explaining that this was the last conversation he had with his great-grandmother.

Official Minutes for the Former First Lady

I thought this was great. (Screen shot taken from The Onion)

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To avoid filing 1,000 blogs under today's date (Sorry. I misspoke. I meant 5.), I'm going to add on to this Billary post some thoughts that I have on her following these wise words: Carpe Amissionis (Seize the Loss- that being the Democratic nomination) ---> if I did it correctly...

Now, I have to admit that Yahoo! articles seem to suck for a number of reasons, but I'm going to use this quote from an article to illustrate a point.

Democratic race over? Clinton doesn't think so
By John Whitesides, Political Correspondent

"I hear it in the atmosphere," Clinton said of the increasingly loud chatter about whether she should drop out and let Democrats focus on the general election campaign.

"But the most common thing that people say to me ... is 'Don't give up, keep going. We're with you.' And I feel really good about that because that's what I intend to do," she told reporters on Tuesday.

What. A. Loser.

I mean, come on. Look: You've lost, Hillary, and if somehow you win the Democratic nomination, people across America just might suspect foul play, and be less inclined to vote for you in the general election. Besides, is this how we want a potential president to think? "People told me not to quit [mostly because they will have to go back to more mundane jobs] so I'm not going to." Let's get real here, Hillary. These idiots are telling you not to drop out because they don't know what they're going to do with themselves if you do. The last thing our next president needs to surround his/herself with is a gaggle of Panglossian numb skulls. Hillary, drop out while you still have some dignity left, and stop listening to what the Kool-Aid-aholics Anonymous members keep telling you!

Join the Elite Club

Well, boys and girls, one day you too can join The League of Bumbling Morons (better known as The Bush Administration).

Until then, you should congratulate Arizona Republican Senator John McCain for his recent inauguration into this elite club. He joins President George W. Bush, and his uncle, Vice President Dick Cheney.

Members of this club have been known to disregard the feelings of the American people, while simultaneously high-fiving their Saudi brothers. In fact, just recently, club and country VP Cheney was overheard telling a single American mother of three (one of which was just killed in Iraq) to "talk to the hand" and "save the drama for your mama."

McCain was chosen to take the minutes for the last meeting, which he wrote on the back of an Olive Garden children's menu.

Cheney kicked off the meeting with a toast, saying "F U Americans," while Bush snickered. The men then did a shot of Diesel fuel, wiping any excess fuel off their faces with $100 bills. No further activities can be deduced from the meeting, as the remaining minutes were doodles of Hillary Clinton with a "big old butt" with stink lines, and Barack Obama, a plus sign, a sketch of what appeared to be Afghanistan, an equal sign, and a heart.

It has been rumored that Condoleezza Rice was expected to join this elite club until Bush remembered that he "doesn't really like Black people."

For more information on the club, visit The League of Bumbling Morons website.

McCain Think He's Running for Burger King

Yes, we know he's old. REALLY old. But the Burger King?

After winning the GOP nomination, John McCain announced that in a few months, he may very well be the elected Burger King.

Despite the hard work of staffers, someone has yet to clarify to the Antediluvian Arizona Senator that he is in fact running for President. McCain was reported reported saying at a press conference:

"I may not know much of anything about the economy, but I do know that everyone should be able to make their value meal as big as they want without paying 49 cents extra!"

"In the McCain Burger Republic," the senile senator continued, "everyone WILL be able to have it their way!"

Campaign manager Terry Nelson quickly lured the senator off the stage with a cup of apple juice and some chocolate pudding, and could be heard whispering to McCain something about changing his Depends once they get off stage.

"The first step was allowing citizens of the Republic to choose between onion rings and French fries. The next step will be choosing between napkins and those lovely little bibs you get when you eat lobster," McCain shouted before disappearing from sight.

After Strom Thurmond, McCain is the second-oldest man to ever serve in the Senate at 98 years of age.